Solitude

Be still and know that I am God
--Book of Psalms


A lot of us are seeking to be alone, perhaps because of emotional crises we would like to shed out. We want to be alone to escape, and stay in the dreamy world of aloneness, flooded by our own tears and battered by our own pains. We want to be alone to have time to shout in silence our pleas to God, wondering where He is and if He is really listening. In our turning points we somehow feel that the world is in our shoulders, as we desire to be dumped into our graves. We want to be alone because it is the best way to come to our senses, or maybe to lose our senses all the way. We want people who are closed to our hearts to pity for us. And we are in this quiet suffering, clueless of the next step to do, more fearful of trying to move on.

Sometimes, we need to see beyond. Being alone the way we are used to can be transformed into a moment of contemplation. These deep sufferings cannot be just thrown away. Embracing these pains in silence is the best way to let them go. Rather than seeing oneself alone in this abyssmal emptiness, let a time for solitude allow us to transcend our loneliness.

I am always at ease in solitude. As young as ten, I was a weird boy who loves to hang around in the bushy garden at the back of the church. Once, my browbeating teacher sent me to principal's office after they had found out that I crossed the school wall, where the other side is a ravine leading to the river. Every summer at home is perfect when I was a high school student; I would sit on a broad, sturdy branch of our backyard mango tree while listening to the rustling bamboo leaves nearby. During full moons, I would climb up over our rooftop so I could stare at the moon for several minutes. Some years ago, I went to a well-known public park in Tagaytay with just a pen and paper to write a poem, then watched the clouds adrift over Taal lake and volcano. Whenever I go to the beach with some acquaintances and friends, I prefer to sit on the seashore away from the crowd, watching the waves glistening on sunset or sunrise.

This preference of solitude, I believe, has greatly helped me to survive through many lonely years. In solitude I am not just alone praying and pleading to an unseen force. I have learned to listen to silence; this very silence hushed by raucous noises of our busy lives. It seems paradoxical when in silence I often hear the voice of the Divine, whispering softly in my heart. This is more than just being alone. I would cry for a while, but as tears dry up, peace springs forth. Years have passed and now I have learned through meditative experience that solitude is possible wherever I go. For the solitude within the depths of my being are always in harmony with the ultimate truth of Love.

Just this morning, I was walking on a trail, going down to the creek in a park at the foot of Mount Makiling. As I walked alone, I could only hear the sound of forest crickets singing high-pitched tones in chorus, along with some rare cries from wild birds. A small black-spotted white butterfly (whose wings like the Yang symbol) welcomed me with its gentle wings flapping as it flew towards where I stand. As I reached the creek, I jumped over small and medium sized rocks, some of which are wrapped in green mosses. Then I chose a flat boulder, where I sat down cross-legged. I looked above and saw trees and their towering canopy; occasionally, they were dropping dried leaves like oversized confetti spiraling until they reach the river. Later, I focused my attention to where the water flows. While watching the small cascade of white, foamy water, I paid attention to its soothing sound; I felt it washes my erratic thoughts just as its sound continuously gushes in my ears. All sounds I heard were like coming from a single orchestra, whose music penetrates deep down to my soul. I was the only witness to this phenomenon. My consciousness was graciously energized.

I immersed myself to the wonder of this moment, when no one but me and Nature are in this peaceful encounter. I was again in solitude, not for the reason of being alone, but to be "all One" with silence, to be all One with Love.