A Painful Tooth

Recently, I visited my dentist to consult her about my painful tooth which she had fixed almost a year ago. She had checked it and later told me that it must be pulled out at once. No chance to fix the tooth. Years before, I used to fear dentists because of tormenting experiences I had with them. But this time I was calm, trusting the anesthetics she will be using to numb the whole procedure. She began preparing all her stuff. She applied a little amount of strawberry-flavored, balm-like substance on the surrounding gum of my tooth. Minutes later, it felt like something inflated my gum. I was assured that I would be OK. I then saw her loading a long metallic syringe with a vial of anesthetic, this time to inject it on my numbed gum and to the deep areas around the tooth itself. No pain, just a bit of friction of the crooked needle against the gum. I was confident that the tooth extraction would be done in no time.

She started using her dental instruments (which look like expensive screw drivers), lifting the tooth on the area it is embedded. At first, I felt feeble twinges as she thrust the instrument. But the pain became intense bit by bit. So, when the instrument thrust deeper to the root area, I breathed hard, since the pain was increasingly agonizing. I tried to feel the pain that moment. It was like there's a long metallic thing boring its way to the deep-hidden, throbbing nerve. My thoughts went back to what I have seen in movies, with people being tortured to tell the truth. I recalled my meditation retreat, where I used to face all the pains in my body, may it be itching, back pain, headache and spasms in the leg. I tried my best to remain mindful of the pain, without mentally suffering. I strongly gripped on the arms of the dental chair, while my legs writhed like they were strangled big pythons. I breathed in my mouth; it sounded like breathing in a scuba regulator. The dental assistant held my face with both hands, to keep it steady. It became much harder to breathe because my dentist was pushing her thumb against my tongue, so to keep my mouth open. She was using instruments alternately; she next used the stainless steel forceps. Its metallic coldness tried to clutch on my stubborn tooth, as she worked out to pull it at once, but to no avail. Since I could not hold it any longer, I asked her for a break, so I could breathe a little.

The pain was excruciating as if I was in a torture chamber. I reassured myself, so I could easily keep my suffering thoughts at bay. I reminded myself of 2 of the most important mental discipline: awareness and equanimity. Always mindful, yet not reacting. But the pain was somehow unbearable. With the pain and thoughts pulsating together, I wondered what if I could not last? What if I just quit and maybe to continue this the next time around? But I also thought that, since the tooth had been slightly lifted, delaying the procedure might cause grave infection, which would worsen the pain. My dentist repeatedly injected again anesthetics. She was a close friend, and in someways she had found it painful to see my face grimacing jarringly. I regained my composure, this time to think beyond the pain: I imagined the bloody tooth right in front of me, pulled out and freed at last. So the next round of agony set in. And the same cyclic experience happened again.

It took us 2 hours before the whole procedure, or shall I say, the whole agony ended. I didn't even notice that the tooth was pulled out after my dentist did some measures as her last resort. Shortly before it ended, my eyes were half-closed. I was deeply engrossed with that pain, while I saw those dental instruments flashed like windshield wipers as my dentist plunged them on my mouth. She told me she was caught off-guard; she didn't expect that the roots of my tooth were attached to a bone, and they were hook-shaped that makes them more locked in the gum. I asked her to show me the tooth; so I began to ponder that this "pesky" little thing had led me to a spiritual insight.

The tooth is a symbol of this internal anguish, of these emotions we long to let go, yet unable to do so. We have been undergoing this kind of mental and emotional extraction. We are trying to pull out those painful emotions, judgments, thoughts and objections all anchored solidly in our hearts. They are unyielding and troublesome. And the more we pull them out, the stronger they become. All these agonies remind us of those past demons we want to exorcise. We numb ourselves using the common anesthetics, things that we can easily refocus just to escape the pain: watching TV, surfing internet, reading books, hanging out with our barkadas, eating, shopping, playing games, working straight, smoking, drinking, making love, abusing drugs and many others. But still pain is lingering, growing with such ferocious intensity. We have resorted to a sundry of "instruments" to purge out these unwanted feelings and thoughts. We have prayed incessantly, we have sought other people's opinion and advice, we have worked out ways from normal to paranormal, and yes, to no avail. Quitting becomes the only option left, while we spend some time pausing, then waiting, to let a miracle happen. We have allowed ourselves sometime to figure out the whole story of our lives. When we feel pain again, the same cycle happens.

But this painful extraction allows us to see ourselves in the moment of awakening. This is the passion where great wisdom is waiting to be born. Kahlil Gibran wrote it beautifully: Pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. When extraction sets in, we are now given this tremendous opportunity to get in touch with our pains. This is the pain of the tooth. Or rather, the pain of the TRUTH. Once we begin to patiently accept and embrace these intolerable pains, we will eventually learn that the cause of the pain is just a small, pesky little thing, not some colossal, obnoxious monster. Toothache and tooth extraction are both common things that we experience one way or the other. Once pulled out, there is only the feeling of painless freedom left. In the same manner, only the awareness of Love will remain. We can smile again and leave the pain as a wisp of impermanent past. Because of this insightful experience, I am glad to say that a painful tooth can set us free.