Lightsphere

I was standing in an empty street in a town one June night four years ago, naively looking for a jeepney ride. As I look around, a couple of teenage boys went straight ahead where I was standing. In a flash, one of them hit me on my temple, but it was lesser than a blow. It felt just like someone tapped me, since the boy's fist went simultaneously as I bent my head down to avoid the hit. I ran quickly to avoid them, then stopped a few meters away. I saw them running back, calling for "back-up." I was thinking of going after them, but the big driver who witnessed the incident, told me otherwise. Inside my chest, my heart was beating like a large kettledrum, yet along with it was a different calmness I had never felt until that time. I was fearful yet contemplating, and it was a very strange experience.

Thoughts ran in my mind, since fright, anger and calmness were all mixed up in my blood. I recalled then my interest in martial arts, and somehow dreamed to become a deadly street fighter. At the same time, I remembered Rizal's virtue of being a pacifist, and I still wanted to be always at peace. Since the incident, I had always felt upset of going home late at night, fearing that someone would hit me. I became cynical, and I found faces of disheveled strangers lined with evil intentions. I had tried to warm up my reptilian instincts to get ready for any attack that I might come across. At home, I had been disturbed by thoughts of violence, particularly when I heard news and watched movies with violent themes. And at one point in my life, with so-called "deep-seated anger," I just thought that my dangerous shadow was ruthless and murderous, just waiting to be unleashed.

Truly, it is always darkest before dawn.

In the movie "Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring," the most unforgettable scene for me is when the Fellowship entered Moria, a dark, underground lair of dwarves now garrisoned by vicious Orcs. The wizard Gandalf used his staff as a luminous torch, where the light comes from a crystal atop to light their path. In the later part of the scene, Gandalf confronted the gigantic, fiery demon Balrog. Gandalf raised his staff and a strong sphere of radiant white light glowed around him. The light became his powerful shield against Balrog's sword. The fight was reminiscent of David and Goliath, it inspired me a very eccentric practice.

About 3 years ago when I started this imaginative practice. I haven't named it since, but now allow me to call it the Lightsphere. The Lightsphere is my protective light that I extend every time I go home in the wee hours. I can't anymore recall how it started, but somehow extending light help a lot in my safety on my way home. One night on a jeepney ride, I recalled riding with three scruffy men. I might be so judgmental then, but I felt the fear and found them suspicious. Still with fear beating wildly in my chest, I began to establish the Lightsphere. Minutes later, they dropped off, as if disappointed. I still didn't know what they had in mind, but I realized the more I cynically judge people, the more I expect danger to come my way. The Lightsphere has changed my thoughts, and it has been intensified through my meditations of Metta or Loving-kindness.

Charging myself with Lightsphere, I have been able to refine my thoughts about the evil in this society. While wishing myself unharmed, I wish the people who might be nursing the idea to harm not to continue their plans. At first, I thought I was just thinking of my own safety, but in the process, it is not just about me. As I wish freedom from any harm, I have learned now to intend happiness for those who are bedeviled by evil thoughts. It dawned on me that as I intend Love for those people, they would likely to let go of harming others, for once they harm they cannot be happy. At nighttime when my friends and I part our ways, I still feel that speck of fear. Yet my intentions of happiness, safety and Love for them extends to the strangers they meet on the streets; it is then I realize that the Lightsphere I imagine they have would envelope them in blessings and lighten the hearts of every person they encounter.

Just two weeks ago, an incident happened on the road near our office. It was just around 4:00 p.m., and gunshots snapped the usual busy, noisy street. A woman was shot dead inside her car, while the shooter went in a motorbike together with an accomplice. The shooter reportedly stolen cold cash worth 2 million pesos. I felt a surge of fear that time, but when I saw the perp running away a surge of calm flowed as well. My boss was standing next to me, teary-eyed and angered as she blurted, "Why men are so evil?" The very moment reminded me of what went on my thoughts and I was deeply grateful of what I had discovered. Men are not evil. People who do evil are still in the process of discovering the Love within. Evil is just absence of Love, as Gary Zukav said. We must begin to send blessings, not just to the victim, but also to the perps. Forgive them Father, for they do not know what they are doing. What happened was palpable evil, but eventually it brought me to profound awareness of Love. It was the very chance of the Lightsphere to manifest into thoughts and words.

As I write this, I checked again my journal entry about the hitting incident. A personal statement just struck me: Do not think of revenge...violence begets violence, peace begets peace. Learning this, I recalled how my deepest convictions on peace began ever since. This statement somehow inspired the Lightsphere and its current mantra:

I am peace wherever I go. Wherever I am, I bring peace.