Kenosis

Empty.

It is the only perfect word to describe my experience some years back. In the pretense of accepting my biological nature, I had indulged my sexual reactions towards how I see attractive, naked women. Their kind is abound anywhere in the internet, in magazines, in newspapers, in CDs and DVDs. Most men find them irresistible, so it makes a very good industry for media people, and good money for celebrities who bare themselves and will simply say "trabaho lang" (it's just a job).

I was lured at seven. It was a haunting memory. I didn't find someone to guide me, someone I could ask about issues of manhood. More than a decade of my life had passed and I found men who seemed to be lurking behind the darkness of their own secrets. Or rather, behind prized tales of adventures, all disclosed in secret boys' talks among my peers. I wondered as I grew up, and thought every way men behave is normal.

It was not just an addiction, it was a bondage. A psychological slavery. I had tried to figure out how to escape from it. I was a slave of my hormones. That made me hated myself, both my body and my life. And I hated women, too; I saw them as avatars who seem to make men crave for more. I was confined in an inertia of indulgence and disgust. I was an underdog hiding in the corner of my own shadow. I was certain that there was something wrong with whatever I was into. But I continued to justify that this was something normal. Something normal that made me feel abnormal. I was guilt-ridden and felt extremely unworthy. I lived a double life; one posing like a harmless, innocent boy; the other, a peeping Tom in a virtual erotic eden of women who enjoy pleasing themselves.

Religious people have their own take. Things like these are sinful. Sexuality is all about procreation, not pleasure. They both warn boys and men to be chaste, lest one will be sent to hellfire. Medical people have their own take, too. I was once trained to see people as potential disease-carriers; part of it is to be wary of sexually-transmitted infections, which frightened me at some point. I was lost in this dilemma, of just letting my sexual self be, while being dragged with self-defeating judgments. Those fears left a heavy imprint on my consciousness. Since then, I haven't tried to explore any possibility for the sake of sexual adventure, though they might seem to be very easy to achieve.

Repulsive and hateful, I sought for some spiritual catharsis. I was a heavy soul hauling myself before the unseen God, pleading for forgiveness; along with it was a struggle to break free from repression, as I mulled over of becoming covertly wild. Years passed and I found an alternative option: to become a monk. It would be a very nice escape, I thought. However, the more I thought about escaping, the stronger this passion became. I couldn't escape my inherent nature. I was a man still clueless of my manhood, with this cavernous void in my spirit. I was desiring to complete myself through carnal union with someone having the organs I do not have, in spite of that ingrained desire not to disgrace my spiritual nature.

I am thankful of this childhood memory, which has buffered me against the impact of misunderstanding sexuality. A young teacher, who was once my favorite, took a piece of chalk and drew two unusual figures on the board: a man's external genitals facing sidewards, and a woman's genitals facing front. She put down the chalk and unblinkingly spoke, "These two are the greatest gifts of God!" She said a string of thoughts on why we should be thankful for our genitals; I guess what I could only remember was that I couldn't have been possibly born without those. From that day, this notion of sacredness of sex has been always in my mind.

My deep, inner shift came up along with practicing intentions of Love. Fear and guilt have ceased to torment me. I have more sincere reflections on how sex becomes sacred. These reflections have encouraged me, to the point that I now see this issue in a very different light. I recognize that those women, along with men, who often look aggressive and delighted in their private acts, are human beings in search of purpose in their lives. The emptiness they have might be unknown to me, yet we share that same depth, which we have been trying to fill up in many ways. I begin to find these people no longer as creatures who ignite sexual hormones, but beings who kindle this inner awareness of Love within me. Beyond pity or loathing is this deep compassion, of seeing them as humans whom I share the same suffering, the same concerns, the same longing for inner peace. In this light, I have seen my shadow not anymore blanketing my sight with darkness, but proving that the radiance of Love is cast upon me. Realizing this, I am radically transformed from years of gradual repulsion into a swift spiritual acceptance. Embracing what had been my dark side has empowered me with the light of understanding.

I was taught of centuries-old moralistic traditions that sexuality is something to deny, and found out that the society has seen and rejected it as immoral and indecent. I was blinded to the truth, beauty and innocence of male and female sexual energies, since our society has reduced them into soiled concepts of carnality. Letting go of these old assumptions simply restores my outlook on sacred sexuality. Accepting my sexuality as a natural and mystical process has helped me to discern the union of male and female within me as they interact with each other: Yin and Yang, Anima and Animus, Mars and Venus, Positive and Negative, Soma (body) and Psyche (soul). Their union and movement will flow into the mysteries of Love to give way to a renewed sense of soulfulness.

Now, the healing has taken place when this inner union conceives Love, and I see myself now a being baring both of my completeness and incompleteness. Being sexual never stops on being attracted to the physical appearance of another nor fulfilling any physical desires. It is about an on-going creation of the soul, which is always present in all of us, and that includes those we see as naked and empty. This creation is my inspired kenosis, the continuous process of emptying myself from limiting, empty notions. I am now empty again, ready to fill and share the outpouring of Divine Love.