Redefining Friendship

Our society believes that friendship only works if expectations of friends with each other are met. Making and keeping friends often happen if: you and your friend are always drinking, shopping, eating or even watching movies together; you both laugh and tease each other; you both tell stories about your lives, the latest news, TV programs, gossips, trends, and a litany of problems and grudges; you have the same likes and dislikes that includes both fashion and people; or you always text and chat all day and all night. In many ways, we have believed that a friend is often a true one if: you can borrow money from him/her; you can ask and get your favors easily; you can always get a treat and receive gifts; you always find a second family at your friend's home; you have a friend to fight for you whenever you are in trouble; your friend agrees with all of your opinions; your friend becomes your adviser in all sorts of things; or your friend praises you for all of your achievements. And the list can go on.

In my own experiences of friendship, I have seen these things often as a yardstick to measure how loyal a friend is. Most people equate loyalty with any action or behavior a friend can show. Sadly, when a friend cannot do just any one of these, it becomes a symptom of a betrayal. A friend fails another if he/she says no, or I can't. It must be easy for many of us to interpret these answers as negative, even if a situation calls for them. We sometimes refuse even if we feel that any action might cost our friendship. We feel guilty if we cannot do any of those measures to our friends. We feel betrayed if our friends cannot do any of those measures to us. Friendships end up troubled, and unfortunately, irreparable. More than friendship, our sense of self drains out. Just like in romantic, marital and parental relationships, we have always relied on our friends not just a partner in crime, but a mirror of our wholeness. Losing them means an end to our world.

I have discovered at some extent that through these measures of friendship, we have conditioned ourselves on how we define the meaning and experience of the word Trust. We trust because we only see the value of giving it to those friends that we think are meeting our demands and expectations. We think a stable friendship with friends who stay with us loyally, even at the expense of their own - and our own - helplessness. Most of us seek belongingness because we are so anxious not to be left behind and alone. To avoid this, we sacrifice our power of choice by becoming a part of groupthink, conforming to the complacency of relationship rather than honoring each other's beingness. A friendship built in this kind of pseudo-trust, though years may count, would remain as inchoate as it was.

The long list of things that measures friendship are all part of a good relationship. They sweeten the smiles and spice up the laughter. But to make them as criteria through which one can bear out true friendship is a vain attempt. They would only fog us from the deeper meanings of heartfelt friendship that long to inspire us despite any life's ups and downs.

A true friendship is always a spiritual union, a soulful connection. Spirits are in union, not because of favorites and pet peeves, but of the ways acknowledging Oneness beyond similarities and differences. If all those that measure friendship be lost, the spirits remain entwined by the sinew of inner trust. After all, friendship is not about just physical presence; it's also about the unseen virtue that both embraces them in times of joy and sorrow, even distance and time separate them. A true friendship is a soulful connection, one that desires for the growth of each other. Family, careers, and mundane matters are all part of life that need growth, but there is more to these things. At the soul level, everything is encompassed, as a friend understands the deeper essence from which all the humdrum and familiar facets of life are coming forth.

M. Scott Peck, acclaimed author of The Road Less Traveled, writes: "Listening is an act of Love." This quality is way beyond the common measures of friendship. Without listening, there is no friendship. And this is not just physical listening. True friendship listens to the voice of the souls of each other. Time may wedge those days of togetherness, or distance may rip those moments of intimacy, but souls still listen to the echo of Love that connects them. Like those Real People (Australian Aborigines), true friends can communicate mentally - or soulfully. Since this is a soul to soul communication, friends are able to listen to this trust, speak with sincerity, read the insights between the lines, and write the destiny of their friendship.


Friends can feel deep pains and deep joys of each other, not just those caused by petty hurts or having fun. Their hearts feel compassion in times of suffering, and mutual bliss in times of delight. They may disagree in opinion, beliefs or decisions, yet they stay loyal and respectful by honoring one's life painful and joyful choices, and most importantly, one's freedom to choose. True friends commit with their friendship by becoming the Light of their souls. They strive to be aware of their wholeness, in order to be true to others and to themselves. They may sometimes hurt one another, but with wholehearted trust, they seek to empathize and to forgive rather than to criticize or to blame. They know that for them to strengthen the bonds of their connection, they have to understand both of their frailties and potentials. It is more than wonderful to realize that understanding is just one side of the coin; on the other side, being grateful for the presence of another, despite shortcomings and limitations, allows their friendship to grow more and expand to the frontiers of infinity.

This is how Love transforms soulful friendships. Having a soul friend is a great blessing. For a soul who sees the worth within oneself and one's friend deepens the Love that makes life wonderful, fills moments with miracles - and bonds friendship forever.