The Raging Heart

(part two)


Some years ago, in the process of dealing with my anger, I have discovered that anger was my easiest way to react to any situation I encountered that primarily defied my own notions of order and harmony. Anger was my attempt to gain attention from people who seemed not to submit to my control, which allowed me to harness a kind of power where people around me tend to bend on their knees in fear. With anger, I felt an immense force that later transmuted into an appalling helplessness. After throwing thunderbolts of insults and curses, I was left drained and disempowered, let alone stupid of making a lot of mess out of shattered bottles and chairs I hurled in the height of my reactiveness. I felt I had done a nonsense act, which carved within me a huge void filled with remorse of wishing nothing had really happened.

What used to be my deep-seated anger is an ingrained experience of the first universal form of attachment: hating and rejecting negative emotions. It is so universal that no human being can possibly describe oneself free from this attachment. All of us experience this dark and vile force of anger that can consume us uncontrollably. Like the young monk, we hate that we hate; this is the irony that enslaves us in moments of grappling with our unruly emotional monsters.

Long before running amok, an individual who says "nagdilim ang paningin" (Filipino: the sight has darken) has harmed someone not from sound reasoning but from an overwhelming wave of anger. This is the darkness one experiences that makes him or her a dangerous offender. Whatever degree of offense, from verbal to physical violence, it is the pitch black anger that often pushes us to injure others without seeing the consequence of our actions. In the end, the same anger is not anymore directed to others but to ourselves.

"To understand that you are angry in the moment of anger and fearful in the moment of fear is an automatic enlightenment."

We cannot just sever anger from us. It is impossible. Anger is darkness in its full force, coming from this vast fear. While anger is the gravity, fear is the black hole from where it comes. To find ourselves gripped with anger is basically an expression of our fears. We have tried to refuse the existence of fear by trying to wield external power of anger. Angry people are people filled with fear, and they are seeking connections with others and with themselves. Seeing both anger and fear as a call to vulnerability and openness to Love is a unanimous teaching among all spiritual teachers and ancient sages. They are both manifestation of the same dark energy within us, the energy in which both our uncertainties and potentialities aggregate and arise.

The idea that anger and fear should not be present in our lives is illusion at its best. This illusion is our most common attachment. It locks us inside the cycle of anger towards others, then anger towards our anger, and anger towards ourselves. Our target is not to eliminate them, since they would be as pitch black as ever. The darkness they bring needs the light of our understanding. This reduces them from abysmal darkness to a mere shadow we cast. Like Peter Pan, we must begin to stitch up again our wild shadow with us so we can be at peace and return to the state where our hearts remain young and alive.

The paradox of this is to accept our anger and fear in their pure state, letting them adrift in our thoughts and feelings. To understand that you are angry in the moment of anger and fearful in the moment of fear is an automatic enlightenment. You have already cut the cords of their unwanted consequences. It is the very moment when instead of wallowing on the turbulent edges of the storm, you seek the very eye where there is peace and serenity. The first form of our universal attachment has finally been detached. And it is quite interesting that as we detach from this form, we have also successfully detached from the other 3 forms. This is the mystery of their interconnection that we are yet to discover.

(to be continued)





above photo  from PicApp

Understanding Attachment

photo by juan de sant

There is a Zen story, which is told in many versions, about two monks, an old and a young one. It was a rainy day, and they were traveling together down a muddy road, when they came across with a beautiful woman in kimono dress. She wanted to cross the road (or the river), but unable to do so. So the old monk helped her by carrying her on his back. Then both of them left her and walked several distance ahead. On their way to the temple, the young monk felt so uneasy and angered that he burst out and blamed the old monk for carrying the woman, which, to his knowledge, is a grave mistake; for monks do not go near women, let alone carry one. He thought that such an act is dangerous for them as monks, particularly in following their rules of conduct. The old monk calmly responded, "I have left the woman, but why do you still carry her?"

The story is among the well-known koans, or Zen riddles, which provoke both humor and wisdom. In its simplicity and directness, the story has encapsulated what is so called attachment, and how understanding this will allow us to understand detachment (which I discussed in four parts last year). When a friend asked me how to release one's attachment, it would simply be achieved by understanding it. Yet, the way to understand it is quite vague for most of us, since our attachments are blind spots that we rarely identify in our everyday experiences.

The story of two monks captures our 4 most common attachments. These attachments are perhaps universal in nature, for they are all manifesting in many ways in which we feel negative and pessimistic, both sabotage our precious opportunities to become happy and Loving. Identifying them is an arduous task, and calls for one's vigilance and equanimity. Learning our attachments can lead us enough to master the art of detachment, for both are sides of the same coin.

In the following articles, we will explore these 4 attachments, how they grip us and how we can let them go.

Lessons from Cockroaches

There's a winged wanderer in the insect world whose name is infamous in all households. Out of 3,500 species, only Periplaneta americana is the notorious one, known as the American cockroach, often seen scuttling on kitchen counters and sinks. Both adults and kids hate this, of all insects, save the mosquitoes and flies. Even as a child, I really hate seeing it flying around. I would always hit them with my slippers, and rejoice over their dead spattered body. With such morbid act, I used to keep all of them at bay. My friend told me his story on cockroach. He wrathfully kills them one by one, and like a prized collection, he puts them in an empty liquour bottle. It seemed that he collected more than a hundred.

But this abhored creature has an interesting story. For most of us, we haven't yet learned that cockroaches are among the toughest organisms that have remained virtually unevolved throughout natural history. Cockroaches have ruled on Earth long before humans emerged. That enough provokes me to think who the pest really are: is it them or us? In an article on January 1981 edition of National Geographic magazine, cockroaches were hailed as survivors due to many reasons. Cockroaches are not picky when it comes to food. Nothing is different between a fresh fruit and a stinking carcass. They eat whatever is given. Seems like only cockroach has a lot to teach on the quality of acceptance. Cockroaches have sophisticated mouth, well-equipped with powerful jaws and teeth structures; a cross among pairs of scissors and pliers and can openers. This mouth prevents them to starve.

Another thing is, according to insect scientists, spotting a cockroach at your kitchen gives you an estimated of 200 growing population of cockroaches. Expect a village of scavengers living in the darkest, wettest, and deepest corners of the house. Their rapid growth makes pesticides one of the bestselling household commodities. They come in different forms: sprays, chalks, patches, etc. But using all these, still it's impossible to wipe out all cockroaches.

An ideal paradise for cockroaches is a moist place full of garbage. They would feast on anything spoiled and rotten. We have always thought that they are bringers of microbes that may cause infection. But studies have shown that there is little evidence on it. They haven't caused even a single epidemic. It seems that we have always co-existed with cockroaches well.

"They seem to pester your life, but they are messengers of your consciousness. They are the very reflection of your prejudices, troubled choices, and unrelenting ignorance towards learning your Soul."

We often hate them, though they don't even know what hate means. They are always around to eat, that's all. And whether we admit it or not, we have always been their accommodating hosts. We provide them food and shelter out of our own mess and the desire to stack up things we don't need. We want to get rid of them and we seem to be oblivious of the irony of allowing them to thrive. We often deny it, that the moment we see one of them dashing over our meals or hovering over our curtains we have always attracted them to come into our lives. They are messengers of our need for order and cleanliness that we have always neglected. And beyond that they seem to bring the metaphor of a cluttered Soul.

Often, difficult people, sickening things, unwanted situations are all likened to a pest we call cockroach. We all hate them, and do all things to reject them by hook or by crook. We have thought that they often ruin our lives. Yet whatever we do, they stay. They persist as we resist them. Nonetheless, what we call "pest" are long existent even before we perceive them as pest. These pest are the inconsiderate boss, the moneygrubbing parent and relative, the annoying in-law, the disgusting moneylender, the mind-numbing buddy.

Even if you hate them, you can't afford to reject them. Nor you can stand the chance of getting rid of them. They seem to pester your life, but they are messengers of your consciousness. They are the very reflection of your prejudices, troubled choices, and unrelenting ignorance towards learning your Soul. They come to your lives because you need to unclutter your sacred space, to brighten and dry it from the darkness and wetness of unexamined negligence. These "cockroaches" mirror the things you hate about yourself, and they nudge you to "turn the other cheek", so you can stop blaming and see yourself more responsible in overhauling your own frailties. Have you ever been inconsiderate, moneygrubbing, annoying, disgusting and mind-numbing to others? If so, then your hatred towards the pests becomes reversible, and you will begin to understand them. Like the redefined name of God in Moses Code, you can now say "I am that, I am" to whoever and whatever you cast your rejections and hatred. I am that. You can now see clearly, and stop hating anymore.

You don't have to waste your time eliminating your pest. For the pest is you if choose to stay that way, and you attract what you reject. Now, begin to unclutter your Soul, so the cockroaches will naturally go away. The pest you see will not be a pest anymore, but an organism that reminds you of the wonder of life.






Cockroach (photo by Wm Jas)
Anger (photo by shawnchin)

The Perishables

Observing everything in this world is pretty much threatening, especially if you come closer to the truth: nothing is static or fixed, everything is changing, everything is impermanent. To realize this is a sweeping dilemma, and I have observed this in many instance. Like a small toddler I saw a few years ago who is now an almost six-footer teenager. Or seeing a very different appearance of a place that I haven't visited for years, being shocked of contrasting it to the past image imprinted in my mind. Or some new stuff that I bought, like a shirt, a pair of shoes or sandals; after several months, what used to be a new, shining stuff with a resin-like aromatic scent has worn down bit by bit, fraying and chipping in many corners, and its glowing quality has been heavily scratched. I have seen this reality in spending my money, or going to a certain place, or experiencing a new situation. They are all gone and the only trace that remains is my memory of them. All these things are known as the Perishables.

It seems that we need to edit what the Buddha has taught. Life is not suffering at all. Life becomes a suffering because of the truth that every thing in life is actually a Perishable. Nothing is not a perishable. Every thing that has begun will about to end. This is the cycle of truth. We all suffer because we have always thought that Perishables won't expire at all. Whenever we cling to this idea, our lives become a chain of miseries, because we tend to regret to the time that has passed, cling to the realities that have long gone in our midst, and fix the things, and even people, the way we see them. And we will find out that doing these are futile ways to live, wasting our precious life in making sure that whatever we want to stay must stay the way we want. And, ironically, we often choose to do this than to let go, and continue to suffer, despite the desire to break free and be happy. Running after the Perishables will soon cause us to perish with them.

"Running after the Perishables will soon cause us to perish with them."

There is a profound wisdom in understanding the Perishables that I have noticed in my contemplations. The soon I get worried, I automatically sense that I am worrying of fixing the Perishable, of grasping its slippery texture, and find it easing out from my grip. It makes me feel sick, tired, wasted, and anxious, and soon I lose my control over the situation, especially over my mental composure. This experience has led me to see what I worry about is a Perishable. The sooner I see this I immediately engage myself to a timeless retrospection, imagining what my emotional and mental state would be like after 2 years of recalling this very moment. Would I still be anxious? Or would I laugh out loud, or simply smile for seeing that those Perishables have long gone perished? And I would come to my senses that I have nothing to worry about. I relax and accept things and events as they are, even if they are my inner anxieties or my outer worries.

Whatever perishes returns to the cycle of creation and re-creation, and it means I have to let them go to that process. Any people, material things or situation that comes across my path are all Perishables in one way or the other. It is not that they are unimportant, but to see them as Perishables is to honor their once role in our Soul, and as they return to the source of creation, we also honor their process of renewing the energy of the source. If we keep the Perishables in our heart, we will clutter our attention and limit our movement on our sacred space. They will appear to be junk that rusts and stinks in our consciousness. This is the call to clean our space, and let the Perishables perish in their own natural way. As they perish, we cultivate a new growth in our awareness. We allow the growth of Love.

I keep on reminding myself that if I am beginning to worry on the Perishable, I must stop, and let Love fill my heart. For I know that Love is the only stable and bedrock state that I can trust and cling to, that I can firmly grasp and grip. Despite the irony that Love is an essence and its nature is intangible, it is the most tangible truth I can ever hold on to. Love, and the Perishables that grow from its fertile ground remains ever-changing, but will never, ever perish.

Building Blocks

Of all the toys I had as a little boy, I think Lego for me was the best. My fresh imagination creates structures using Lego blocks of different shapes, sizes, and colors. Perhaps I wasn't just playing with them; I was creating possibilities. It was my early days of creative exploration. I could imagine all sorts of forms, structures and humanoid characters. I could create different kinds of aircraft and spaceships that can travel to my boundless fantasies. I was in my own virtual universe made together by my Lego blocks and my infinite imagination.

Such a toy is ingenious, says Norwegian author Jostein Gaarder in his novel on the history of philosophy, Sophie's World. Lego gives children not only the power to create from simple blocks, but also the power to destroy. Here, the essence of destruction is not about to eliminate or crush anything. It is, in fact, the very impetus of re-creation. The process of destruction is not so much of destroying, but of re-creating. Whenever kids pick the blocks and attached them according to the forms they wish, thereafter they may simply choose to disintegrate them and bring them back to the same basic blocks they once were. Then, they can create whatever new forms they wish from the same set of blocks. Nothing is being destroyed, after all. Not a single block is wasted. Every block can be used again as a part of another created form.

Is the Universe made the same way? Are we not, living and nonliving, made from the same ingenious building block, the same stuff that stars and galaxies are made? If so, then whatever is created in our material and physical reality will soon perish or disintegrate naturally, and the "blocks" that have made them will be used again to create new physical forms? The constant process of creation and re-creation lies in the ingenious hand of the Absolute, the Source of all basic building blocks that makes every form be formed and transformed, the one we often call God--the one otherwise known as Love.

How does Love create and re-create? Such words cannot describe it. For the process of knowing Love is beyond the specific processes of creation and re-creation. In the realm of Love, both of them are indistinguishable. And it's own building block is itself. Love creates and re-creates Love. As Love creates Love, it manifest in millions of ways. Love is the very essence which builds all the color, the forms and the possibilities of our reality.

"Love creates and re-creates Love...Love is the very essence which builds all the color, the forms and the possibilities of our reality."

Take sometime to observe the place where you are right now. Every thing is made of that essence, of that basic atom or quantum particles, so to speak, which, according to physicist, make anything real and tangible. You and the table and the computer and wall and the water are made of the same particle, forming in different ways and manifesting in different shapes, sizes, textures, and colors. With those differences, experience becomes diverse, and expressions becomes myriad, all according to their functions that support every turn of your very existence. Nonetheless, all of them, including you, are impermanent. In time, we will perish, but process remains the same, creating and re-creating innumerable forms, having their unique, kaleidoscopic nature. Love is understood in this process, by seeing that this is the endless dance of creation and re-creation, like the dance of Shiva.


While we often see stumbling blocks in our creative processes, we can begin to see and use them as building blocks of Love, from which all creative momentum accelerates us to the peak dynamics of creation and recreation. Like the Lego block, no block can be a waste, for each has its purpose to build and form the grand structure our imagination creates. We transform each block and make them again a part of new forms, of new transformations.

Love is creating and re-creating Love moment to moment. You and I are both creations and re-creations of Love. The beauty of this is that we are not just at the mercy of those processes. We are, ourselves, the processes of creation and re-creation. All we have to do is to participate consciously. So we can begin to create and recreate Love with full consciousness. So we can form and transform the world into Love. And the only building block we can use is Love.






photo (above) by Reeport