The Raging Heart

(part two)


Some years ago, in the process of dealing with my anger, I have discovered that anger was my easiest way to react to any situation I encountered that primarily defied my own notions of order and harmony. Anger was my attempt to gain attention from people who seemed not to submit to my control, which allowed me to harness a kind of power where people around me tend to bend on their knees in fear. With anger, I felt an immense force that later transmuted into an appalling helplessness. After throwing thunderbolts of insults and curses, I was left drained and disempowered, let alone stupid of making a lot of mess out of shattered bottles and chairs I hurled in the height of my reactiveness. I felt I had done a nonsense act, which carved within me a huge void filled with remorse of wishing nothing had really happened.

What used to be my deep-seated anger is an ingrained experience of the first universal form of attachment: hating and rejecting negative emotions. It is so universal that no human being can possibly describe oneself free from this attachment. All of us experience this dark and vile force of anger that can consume us uncontrollably. Like the young monk, we hate that we hate; this is the irony that enslaves us in moments of grappling with our unruly emotional monsters.

Long before running amok, an individual who says "nagdilim ang paningin" (Filipino: the sight has darken) has harmed someone not from sound reasoning but from an overwhelming wave of anger. This is the darkness one experiences that makes him or her a dangerous offender. Whatever degree of offense, from verbal to physical violence, it is the pitch black anger that often pushes us to injure others without seeing the consequence of our actions. In the end, the same anger is not anymore directed to others but to ourselves.

"To understand that you are angry in the moment of anger and fearful in the moment of fear is an automatic enlightenment."

We cannot just sever anger from us. It is impossible. Anger is darkness in its full force, coming from this vast fear. While anger is the gravity, fear is the black hole from where it comes. To find ourselves gripped with anger is basically an expression of our fears. We have tried to refuse the existence of fear by trying to wield external power of anger. Angry people are people filled with fear, and they are seeking connections with others and with themselves. Seeing both anger and fear as a call to vulnerability and openness to Love is a unanimous teaching among all spiritual teachers and ancient sages. They are both manifestation of the same dark energy within us, the energy in which both our uncertainties and potentialities aggregate and arise.

The idea that anger and fear should not be present in our lives is illusion at its best. This illusion is our most common attachment. It locks us inside the cycle of anger towards others, then anger towards our anger, and anger towards ourselves. Our target is not to eliminate them, since they would be as pitch black as ever. The darkness they bring needs the light of our understanding. This reduces them from abysmal darkness to a mere shadow we cast. Like Peter Pan, we must begin to stitch up again our wild shadow with us so we can be at peace and return to the state where our hearts remain young and alive.

The paradox of this is to accept our anger and fear in their pure state, letting them adrift in our thoughts and feelings. To understand that you are angry in the moment of anger and fearful in the moment of fear is an automatic enlightenment. You have already cut the cords of their unwanted consequences. It is the very moment when instead of wallowing on the turbulent edges of the storm, you seek the very eye where there is peace and serenity. The first form of our universal attachment has finally been detached. And it is quite interesting that as we detach from this form, we have also successfully detached from the other 3 forms. This is the mystery of their interconnection that we are yet to discover.

(to be continued)





above photo  from PicApp

What is Love?

What is Love?

This question is perhaps the easiest to answer and the most difficult to expound. Early this afternoon at the Pathfinders' Commune we began to explore this subject . And I found out after spending 3 hours, there are more questions spawning than answers.

I began to ask this question when I was 17, in the middle of a romantic relationship. I started it driven with fiery emotions. It felt good, but at one hand I felt there was more to learn. I thought that emotions are like typhoon, which attacks destructively and leaves after sometime. I felt the evanescence of these emotions. And I wondered that any relationship born out of emotions is bound to vanish. But how can anyone find a permanent Love?

I stumbled with a hypothetical definition 5 years ago after talking to an old friend during my college days. Love is Enlightenment. A very strange definition. I always associate the word "enlightenment" with the Buddha, because that is the meaning of His name. I just thought that this definition was the greatest definition I ever conceived, for it helped me redefine the concept of Love. But still, the experience of Love has eluded me.

In the process of finding the meaning of Love, I have been also looking for the meaning of God. The greatest illusion is to see these two elements separate. I had lived that kind of illusion until the time I heard a meditation teacher who mentioned something about Jesus. A skeptic asked him if he believes that Jesus is a son of God. The teacher is not a Christian, but he calmly and confidently responded that he does. After all, according to him Jesus lives with the quality of God; the quality of Love.

During that meditation retreat, we were taught of a different kind of soothing meditation. In the Buddhist teaching, it is called Metta. Metta is hard to translate, but the most commonly used equivalent is "Loving-kindness" or Love. This is a meditation where one generates intentions of loving-kindness to oneself and to others. I have learned this word some months before the retreat, after a friend gave me a CD copy of guided Metta meditation. After learning this, it opened me a door to endless possibilities of experiencing Love.

One November night, a year ago, on my way home from Cubao, I was riding a bus when a baby started crying so loud that everyone in the bus felt irritated. The baby loudly cried for an hour. I'd got this thought to stand up and carry the baby, but I knew I won't be assured that the baby would stop. Understanding the nature of suffering and intentions, I had begun to accept that the baby was crying, so I sent her the intentions of Metta. I imagined her sleeping well. After doing that, I napped for a moment. Later, I hadn't noticed how long after I meditated, but perhaps after several minutes I was surprised that I heard no cries at all. Well, it may sound too conclusive, since anyone can assume that a baby would stop crying anytime. Nonetheless, my experience tells me otherwise: that the power of Love can transcend beyond barriers of physical reality.

I was able to duplicate this experience, sending intentions to some of my firends and loved ones, and I found immediate results. I shared the practice to old and new found friends, and as they practice it, they were able to change the course of their lives, enriching their experience with simple Loving intentions that started the paradigm shift on their lives. Because of this, I thought I have to begin sharing this understanding of the meaning of Love. It's about time to answer some of the biggest questions of humankind, questions that I have been hearing from my students, friends and strangers.

I have felt the need to initiate a study group on spiritual topics since February, after a series of experience on the power of Love. For the first time in my life, I have come to my senses that Love is never just a concept read in books, nor any good feeling arising after watching romantic films, nor a dry belief in may religious doctrines. It has unfolded as an illuminating experience, which fails many words and explanations. I would admit that, at first, I had needed to learn Love through books I read. And then the answer began to dawn, as if in enlightenment.

It has become clear to me that for all the questions we have in life, the only answer is LOVE.