Wordless Koan

One thing in my wish list is to experience zazen or sitting meditation in the Zen tradition. Although I have my share of meditation experience using other techniques, I am still wondering how a zazen takes place, especially if a koan would exhaust my mind. But even if I really do not meditate the way koan meditators do, my questions on why the world today exists are already koans that wrestle me, and make me exasperated of finding answers. Perhaps the most confounding koan I asked was the absence of God, whom all believed to be an all-powerful being yet remained cold towards the suffering of the world. Those were the old days when I had bouts of maddening angst and outburst of frustrations towards the grueling questions that almost ruined my sanity.

Koans are riddles used by Zen monks to meditate upon so they can arrive on a certain insight. These riddles break their ingrained logical assumptions by putting them in a mode of paradoxical thinking, where every reasoning seems to be absurd. Some of the famous koans are: "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" and "If you see the Buddha on the road, kill him!" Other koans are told as anecdotes, and these are interesting stories with lessons implied, even if they appear puzzling at the end. Like the famous two monks who one day helped a young woman cross a muddy river. Or the story of a goose that grew in a bottle and eventually escaped without breaking the bottle or being harmed. At first, these koans might be unanswerable, since they do not fit any sensible and realistic experience. To answer them seems nerve-racking for an ordinary person, but they can be answered through meditation. There's only a thing that leads to clarity: never take koans literally. Something is being said beyond the words and narratives. Like a nice-sounding familiar idiom, koans jump-start a one's mind to gain a perspective of what is literally seen towards what must be really seen.

Legend has it that when the Buddha delivered his Flower Sermon, he only showed a golden lotus flower to his disciples. Without any word, he remained composed and quiet, with the flower in his hands. His disciples were bewildered of what the Buddha did, except Mahakasyapa, who smiled quietly and got the Buddha's message. Both the lotus and the smile, without a single word, appears to be the first koan, a legendary puzzle that leads to enlightenment. Wordless, yet profound in meaning, like a face that launched a thousand ships, or a picture that paints a thousand words.

I barely have my own zazen experience, yet the truth of koan unfolds in me like a golden lotus. As I explore the world of symbols, I have intuited more through what Caroline Myss, author of the Anatomy of the Spirit, is referring to as the "symbolic sight". Through this gift of symbolic sight, I am able to see the meaning of symbols through every day life, seeing the archetypes that underlie and operate as a reality beyond the limitation of our physical senses. I was able to connect the dots, from what the ancient sages taught, to those that are practically learned wisdom, or those phenomena being discovered by modern science. The experience is like traveling through different dimensions of understanding that cannot be hampered by any single dogma that claims to monopolize the truth. And at the end of this roller coaster adventure is the beginning of an enigmatic silence, which can only grasp the symbolic message what words cannot.

Whenever I am caught flat-footed by a question "How do I Love?", silence appears not just an only option left, but a response that is most appropriate. The question is in itself a profound koan. How I live my life and reveal my inner presence remain both the only indefinable answers that are wrapped perfectly as wordless koans. Among overwhelming questions that are infinitely generated by this curious and baffled society, all the more we are called to answer them not through explanations, but through silence. When Christ told us to lock ourselves inside our rooms to pray - a teaching that is another koan - he asks us to pray inside our hearts. Just as what the Sufis told us that we can only find God when we go into the deepest chambers of our hearts. I have deeply learned that silence is the voice of God that speaks to us. The only job we need to do is to listen.

Yes, in this very time, we all need silence. After many worst events that made noise in our world, being silent does not mean being indifferent, coward or aloof. This is not a silence like just being quiet and never speak. The soul needs silence in order to listen to its own whisper. The great wordless koan calls for our attention, and it can only be read or heard the moment we stop seeking answers outside. This koan, the wordless koan of Love, will remain paradoxical until the time we allow ourselves to understand it. Love, that which cannot be defined by any word, is enough to transform the puzzles of our minds into clarity of our hearts.

The First Year

Before November 15, 2008, a series of experiences had taken place for me to come to my senses that there is a moving force behind my growing personal understanding of Love. I had seen events wherein intentions of Loving-kindness transformed people's lives, as simple as sending blessings to their enemies and getting answers to their prayers. I had talked to people, and seen them how they have renewed their sense of being since then. Love and Loving-kindness (or in Pali, we say metta) have become our buzzwords. These words have been charged with the energy of Loving consciousness, a set of mantras that define our lives. Those events have led me in deciding to bring and send the message of Love. It was my greatest decision that has brought me utmost joys. November 15th marked the remarkable beginning of sharing and expanding the consciousness of Love.

Last Sunday, a year has passed. I am very happy to see how changes have moved many of my friends and acquaintances through this endeavor that has brought us to insights and inner transformations. Looking back parallels to looking forward. Seeing the nostalgia of the past year, I am now envisioning promising years ahead. There is now a momentum, a force that moves this consciousness to spread into the social mainstream. It's about time to bring change, to share the wisdom of Love. I am more compelled this time with words from A Course in Miracles: "Teach only Love, for that is what you are."

It's about time to teach Love.

As a human being, I am still wrecked with fears. I remember those two weeks before I started the Communes. I questioned myself: "Am I capable of teaching Love?" I felt down, learning that becoming real and genuine teacher means I need more time to earn my worth through worldly credentials. Perhaps to deserve something as precious as teaching Love requires purity of being, which I thought I won't be able to have. But, contemplating on self-defeating thoughts brought me clarity: judging myself is not Loving myself. This insight showed me that my human frailties, my remorseful past, my seeming weakness are all but licenses for me to share Love. I have seen myself as an epitome of suffering, and like Christ, I am always capable of resurrecting to a new life. My outer weaknesses have become reminders of my inner strengths. Seeing myself in a different light led me to see the purity of Love within me. Through this, just a shift of thought from judging to nonjudging, I am capable of creating enough energy of Love that has the magnitude to move the world.

As I always share the wisdom of Love, I have acknowledged that it is the same as living Love out. Likewise, when I live and share Love, I am all the more teaching it. There is no need for any proof. I have been living my life filled with gratitude, joy and peace. I am rich of the unseen and seen treasures that overwhelm my heart. I am a soul expanding in many direction and embraces all people in this infinite breadth of Love. This tremendous Love that fulfills me is always enough. And I am thankful that the Communes are small vessels I use from where the Love I share overflows.

Living a Loving example does not take grand actions and vast possessions. Communes' first year has been a witness through small acts of kindness and simple intentions of blessings that bloom into wonderful and awesome experiences. Many people, who became friends, have spoken about the Communes. They have learned a great deal of wisdom, which I am equally learning. Through Communes, we are all setting our hearts to the treasures of heaven, a word that can be simply called Love.

There are more exciting years to come. I have met with two of my Commune friends, to whom I have shared this vision. I am yet to meet the rest, and begin the mission of spreading the message of Love. This first year is not just a celebration, but a beginning of a new path for the journey of many pathfinders. This is a journey of bringing the light of Love to humanity and to the world.

Let's continue to Commune.

Skin Deep

I was surprised to watch a video on Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty. Entitled Evolution, it shows how a fine woman evolved after a series of make-ups and hair styles. In the film, her pictures were taken and were digitally edited. The once plain-looking young woman became a foxy model of a huge billboard beauty ad. At the end of the 1-minute video clip, a thought-provoking line is shown: No wonder our perception of beauty is distorted. This powerful short film is a small, sharp needle that burst the inflated illusions of beauty of this consumerist's society.

Dove's study on self-esteem of women and girls reveal that 92% of the respondents believe that they have to change one aspect of how they look. Less than 10% says they feel beautiful and pretty. If we open our eyes, we can easily connect the dots. This distortion of how women and girls see beauty is an existent consciousness that allows many cosmetic companies and plastic surgeons to make money. This problematic beauty consciousness has also allowed many young teenage girls to idolize a celebrity, dreaming that one day she may look like one; it has allowed many young teenage boys to desire a beautiful woman of sort, created by boob-tube illusions; it has created a racist culture where beauty is dichotomized, seeing only fair-skinned women as beautiful, and those dark- or brown-skinned as the opposite; it has proliferated a belief that only the tall, the slim and the slender are the apples of the society's eyes, while disdaining the flabby, the wrinkled, and the freckled. Sadly, almost all those from all walks of life have seen that beauty is something that can be gain outside: manipulating the way we look so we can manipulate the way others look at us, which in turn, manipulates how we look ourselves. But of all ways beauty is defined by our social conventions, it is still a far cry from the true beauty within.

Long before I watched this film, I have been pondering this truth of beauty. In my June article Kenosis, I shared my personal insight on how men have misunderstood women, and even how women have misunderstood themselves, perpetuating the corrosive impact of pornography, along with concept of feminine beauty. As I have explored the meaning of Love, I have become very certain that true beauty comes from within. This is not just a cliched remark most soap opera use in their formulaic dialogues. At most, this line is easier said than realized. In fact, the media has muddled the meaning of true beauty by emphasizing more on physical appearance and attraction on one hand, and has loaded the so-called not-so-beautiful with euphemisms of golden heart on the other. This appears to be an indirect, yet dangerous way of misunderstanding beauty and its true essence.

Love, that which is something formless, is always transforming into forms. These forms coming from Love are always beautiful. And the mere fact that each soul alive in this Earth, all six billion people, are all living creatures of Love, therefore, every one is beautiful. This beauty goes beyond the physical forms. The beauty we have been believing is a kind that can only be seen by our naked eyes. The truth is, there is nothing wrong if one indulges putting cosmetics or dressing up. What gives us the problem is to believe that these external implements are the only source of beauty. Anything that has form always perishes. This is true to something our naked eyes can see. Our young faces and baby skin will soon collect grooves and wrinkles, and our hair will recede or become silvery. To search for something that will make us forever beautiful is in itself a futile dream. But to see oneself beautiful, no matter how "awful" one thinks might look like to others, is the only true insight of beauty.

One afternoon, some years ago at my former university, I was tasked to oversee a registration queue of students who would take up elective subjects. As they approached me one by one, I looked at them in the face, addressing their questions and concerns. I noticed vividly that each student's faces seemed to glow more than the usual. It bewildered me, and it turned out to be one of my greatest ecstatic experience. There's a subtle aura that emanated from each faces, heads radiating light like magical bulbs. It was strange yet very enlightening, for this experience allowed me to see each person beautiful. Some faces were dark, others were fair, and some possessed peculiarities like birthmarks and moles. Those differences in shapes of eyes, lips and noses make them uniquely beautiful. I hadn't seen any ugly, if one would like to talk about social standards of beauty. Each person I saw is beautiful, beyond their make-ups, earrings, hair gels, and clothes. I saw all of them as glowing beauty, an instant that had remained unexplainable until the moment I was awakened in Love.

Making new friends is one of my blissful adventures. I love meeting new people, learning about their lives, hearing strange secrets, listening to their stories and in all ways connecting to their souls. Looking at each of them and reminiscing on the nostalgia of first meetings bring me in deep gratitude. They all differ from each other in terms of age, looks, social class, occupation and all sorts of daily, personal details. Some are old, others are young, even younger; some are prim and conforming; others, eccentric and odd. They live normal lives, pay bills, complain here and there, laugh and cry on many of their life's changes. All these about them make them more beautiful, transcending the concept of beauty from what can be seen outside, to what can be soulfully discerned inside. Whenever I see them and talk to them, I can't help but be overwhelmed by the beauty of their presence, which I can never compare with anybody in my lifetime in this world.


This wisdom of beauty also reminds me of a friend, Ate Bel, whose name means "beautiful". Her personality is quite remarkable, because she often blurts out the phrase "Maganda 'yan!" (It's beautiful). She never fails to see beauty in all persons, all situations and all things that she and others have. Like a young kid, she delights on the simplest of things, and makes her appreciate them down to the last detail. She has an attitude of beauty that makes her a beautiful soul.

So, here it is: that the true meaning of beauty is about the beingness of a soul. When we wake up one morning and see ourselves in the mirror, a true beautiful person is now in front of us. When we begin to see that that person in the mirror is more than flesh and bones, but a light of Love radiating with immense and incomparable worth, we will begin to stop seeking beauty outside of us. Like the way we look at the moon, we will no more seek for the craters carved in our face; instead, we will only see the radiant light of beauty that shines amid the darkness of the world that surrounds us. From here, we can no more mistake beauty as something just on the shallow surface of the skin. For what is essential, as Antoine Saint Exupery puts it, is always invisible to the eye. To realize Love as the formless, the invisible, the inner beauty that lies deep within each of us opens our eyes to the true essence of beauty that makes our souls exceptionally beautiful.

Lessons from Chicken Pox

Old folks say - and proven by doctors - that there's one way to prevent chicken pox: you have to get chicken pox first so you can become immune. It's a sort of catch-22. But there's a plausible reason. I was a junior high school student when I came down with chicken pox. After three weeks of suffering, I do not worry anymore if I  get nearer to someone who has. I simply do not develop the infection even if I catch the virus. As a former medical technologist, I studied basics of Immunology, which is all about the immune system. I have learned a great deal of technical explanations behind the reason of this immunity to chicken pox.

Chicken pox is caused by a virus known as Varicella-Zoster. A virus, as we have understood it, is a microbe, yet different from bacteria. If a bacteria is as big as a cow, a virus is as tiny as an ant. Again, in the old days, they say that among all chicken pox rashes - which look like acne - that grow in a patient's body, there's this very large, conspicuous rash old folks call "nanay" (mother). It is said to be the mother of all rashes. This nanay can be somehow unpredictable - it might grow in any part of the patient's body. My uncle used to have one some years ago. Unfortunately, nanay grew on the tip of his nose. I think his pockmark is still visible to this day.

Chickenpox, like some viral infections, is self-limiting. It regresses and disappears naturally because of the body's way of fighting infection. During the course of infection, the body creates its own defense. And since microbes like virus are ubiquitous, like dust, we cannot really avoid them. Microbes in general can enter the body through food and air. But our bodies possess a system that prevents and combats any "foreign" intrusion.

Our immune system, though extensively complex and intricate in function, is often associated with antigens and antibodies. These two differ from each other, and somehow compliment in the process of immunity. Antigens are actually protein substances with unique make-up to distinctly identify an organism. They are like molecular fingerprints. In a sense, anything that comes outside of a particular body system is an antigen. In this case, a microbe is an antigen, since its not inherently part of the human body. Once the body recognizes an antigen, it prompts a group of white blood cells, called phagocytes,  to prevent further invasion of microbes that enters the body. Always on guard, these cells act like Pac-man, a classic video game character, wherein they engulf any microbes around and digest them into weak antigens. These weak antigens, in turn, will be used by another group of cells, known as lymphocytes, to create molecular substances called antibodies. Antibodies become the "memory" of the body, which reminds it to recognize the same intrusive antigen. So before a particular microbe reproduces exponentially, the antibody neutralizes it. Thus, the infection is completely stopped. Since I had chicken pox, I now have antibodies that makes me immune to it.  This entire natural mechanism is possible because of the antigen-antibody interaction. 

Like the seemingly "war" inside the body, there is something similar that happens in the soul. There are antigens that can attack us: all life's difficulties, from petty problems like lost car key, to major tragic events like financial loss and death. Through these unwanted experiences, we easily develop emotional infections. Among them are anger, depression, guilt, frustrations, and impatience. We often reject them as curses. (Interestingly, pox was believed as curse during the medieval times.)  These infections are contagious. If someone is infected with, say, anger, we can easily catch it. We, too, become easily angered. We bring the bad mood throughout the day. This proves that misery really loves company. Of course, any miserable experience is unpleasant. But, this is another catch-22 insight: if we catch an infection, we now have a great opportunity to become immune. 

Health doesn't mean an absence of disease, but the capacity to heal. This inspires us to look deeper to our life's antigens. They are ubiquitous, and we seem to find them ready to attack us. But our soul has its own healing system. Even if we develop emotional infections, we can still create antibodies of insights. There is just a slight difference - our physical immunity does it involuntarily; on the other hand, we must actively choose for our soul's healing process to take place. Any curse that might inflict us is always a chance of the soul to be immune, through the wisdom of understanding. We will eventually realize that nothing in life is an enemy; those antigens complement the antibodies within. Thus, anything we think as a curse becomes a blessing.

Each life antigen alarms our ingrained arrogance that life is something externally predictable we can easily control, but it is otherwise. Antigens uncontrollably exist everywhere and they are not enemies. They compliment to this intelligent interconnections of our souls. They are transformed into "memories" of wisdom, rather than memories of fear. On the surface level, a big "pockmark" of our past is visible, a reminder of a deep suffering yet also a mark of an inner transformation. Our souls have learned to acknowledge that any emotional infection is an opportunity to add zest to soulful healing.

Chicken pox is a simple metaphor that reminds us that Love really works in great paradoxes: once we open our vulnerability to the seemingly risky world outside, our inner world becomes more empowered to live life to the fullest.

"The Pox" -photo by Chimchim

Redefining Friendship

Our society believes that friendship only works if expectations of friends with each other are met. Making and keeping friends often happen if: you and your friend are always drinking, shopping, eating or even watching movies together; you both laugh and tease each other; you both tell stories about your lives, the latest news, TV programs, gossips, trends, and a litany of problems and grudges; you have the same likes and dislikes that includes both fashion and people; or you always text and chat all day and all night. In many ways, we have believed that a friend is often a true one if: you can borrow money from him/her; you can ask and get your favors easily; you can always get a treat and receive gifts; you always find a second family at your friend's home; you have a friend to fight for you whenever you are in trouble; your friend agrees with all of your opinions; your friend becomes your adviser in all sorts of things; or your friend praises you for all of your achievements. And the list can go on.

In my own experiences of friendship, I have seen these things often as a yardstick to measure how loyal a friend is. Most people equate loyalty with any action or behavior a friend can show. Sadly, when a friend cannot do just any one of these, it becomes a symptom of a betrayal. A friend fails another if he/she says no, or I can't. It must be easy for many of us to interpret these answers as negative, even if a situation calls for them. We sometimes refuse even if we feel that any action might cost our friendship. We feel guilty if we cannot do any of those measures to our friends. We feel betrayed if our friends cannot do any of those measures to us. Friendships end up troubled, and unfortunately, irreparable. More than friendship, our sense of self drains out. Just like in romantic, marital and parental relationships, we have always relied on our friends not just a partner in crime, but a mirror of our wholeness. Losing them means an end to our world.

I have discovered at some extent that through these measures of friendship, we have conditioned ourselves on how we define the meaning and experience of the word Trust. We trust because we only see the value of giving it to those friends that we think are meeting our demands and expectations. We think a stable friendship with friends who stay with us loyally, even at the expense of their own - and our own - helplessness. Most of us seek belongingness because we are so anxious not to be left behind and alone. To avoid this, we sacrifice our power of choice by becoming a part of groupthink, conforming to the complacency of relationship rather than honoring each other's beingness. A friendship built in this kind of pseudo-trust, though years may count, would remain as inchoate as it was.

The long list of things that measures friendship are all part of a good relationship. They sweeten the smiles and spice up the laughter. But to make them as criteria through which one can bear out true friendship is a vain attempt. They would only fog us from the deeper meanings of heartfelt friendship that long to inspire us despite any life's ups and downs.

A true friendship is always a spiritual union, a soulful connection. Spirits are in union, not because of favorites and pet peeves, but of the ways acknowledging Oneness beyond similarities and differences. If all those that measure friendship be lost, the spirits remain entwined by the sinew of inner trust. After all, friendship is not about just physical presence; it's also about the unseen virtue that both embraces them in times of joy and sorrow, even distance and time separate them. A true friendship is a soulful connection, one that desires for the growth of each other. Family, careers, and mundane matters are all part of life that need growth, but there is more to these things. At the soul level, everything is encompassed, as a friend understands the deeper essence from which all the humdrum and familiar facets of life are coming forth.

M. Scott Peck, acclaimed author of The Road Less Traveled, writes: "Listening is an act of Love." This quality is way beyond the common measures of friendship. Without listening, there is no friendship. And this is not just physical listening. True friendship listens to the voice of the souls of each other. Time may wedge those days of togetherness, or distance may rip those moments of intimacy, but souls still listen to the echo of Love that connects them. Like those Real People (Australian Aborigines), true friends can communicate mentally - or soulfully. Since this is a soul to soul communication, friends are able to listen to this trust, speak with sincerity, read the insights between the lines, and write the destiny of their friendship.


Friends can feel deep pains and deep joys of each other, not just those caused by petty hurts or having fun. Their hearts feel compassion in times of suffering, and mutual bliss in times of delight. They may disagree in opinion, beliefs or decisions, yet they stay loyal and respectful by honoring one's life painful and joyful choices, and most importantly, one's freedom to choose. True friends commit with their friendship by becoming the Light of their souls. They strive to be aware of their wholeness, in order to be true to others and to themselves. They may sometimes hurt one another, but with wholehearted trust, they seek to empathize and to forgive rather than to criticize or to blame. They know that for them to strengthen the bonds of their connection, they have to understand both of their frailties and potentials. It is more than wonderful to realize that understanding is just one side of the coin; on the other side, being grateful for the presence of another, despite shortcomings and limitations, allows their friendship to grow more and expand to the frontiers of infinity.

This is how Love transforms soulful friendships. Having a soul friend is a great blessing. For a soul who sees the worth within oneself and one's friend deepens the Love that makes life wonderful, fills moments with miracles - and bonds friendship forever.